在意大利学习修复的时候，我第一次真正接触到 Cesare Brandi 的修复理论。那时候的我，其实是带着一种“理想”的心情在看这些东西。
When I was studying in Italy, I first encountered Cesare Brandi's theory of restoration. Back then, I was looking at it with a sense of "idealism."
修复过的地方，在远看时应该是统一的。但在近看时，是可以被辨认出来的。一种很理性、也很诚实的方式。我记得自己站在博物馆里，很近地看那些修复过的地方。你会看到一条一条的笔触，细细的，克制的。
The restored areas should be unified from a distance, yet recognizable up close. A rational and honest approach. I remember standing in the museum, looking closely at those restored sections. You could see fine, vertical, restrained brushstrokes.
那就是——tratteggio。它没有试图隐藏自己。也没有试图“变成原作”。它只是很安静地告诉你：这里，曾经发生过事情。那时候的我，是认同的。甚至可以说，是有点崇拜的。
That is tratteggio. It doesn't try to hide itself, nor does it try to "become the original." It simply tells you quietly: something once happened here. Back then, I identified with it. You could even say I worshipped it a little.
后来回到马来西亚，我开始真正面对修复的“现实”。委托人会说：“帮我修到看不出来。” 市场会说：“看起来完整就好。” 有些时候，连解释的空间都没有。
Later, back in Malaysia, I began to face the "reality" of restoration. Clients would say: "Restore it so it's invisible." The market says: "Make it look complete." Sometimes, there's no room for explanation.
我慢慢发现，我站的地方，跟我在意大利看到的，不太一样。这里，甚至有人会在我修复好的地方，用放大镜去看。用UV去照。那一刻，我其实很安静。我没有觉得被质疑。但我很清楚地感觉到一件事——大家对“修复”的理解，和我所面对的现实，并不一样。
I gradually realized that the ground I stand on is different from what I saw in Italy. Here, some even use magnifying glasses or UV lights on my restored work. In those moments, I remain calm. I don't feel questioned, but I clearly feel one thing—the common understanding of "restoration" is not the same as the reality I face.
很多人以为，修复，是把时间倒回去。让一幅已经老化的画，重新变得“像新的一样”。但修复，从来不是魔法。它不能让时间倒流。也不能让作品回到“青春”。它能做的，其实很有限。只是让一幅已经老去的画，多活一点时间。帮它减慢损耗。帮它继续存在。就这样而已。
Many believe restoration is about turning back time, making an aged painting "look like new." But restoration is never magic. It cannot reverse time or return a work to its "youth." What it can do is quite limited: giving an aging painting a bit more time. Slowing its decay. Helping it continue to exist. That is all.
但现实里，如果我完全按照 tratteggio 的方式去做，很多作品，可能连被接受的机会都没有。所以我开始在中间找位置。有些地方，我会收。有些地方，我会退。有些地方，我会让它“看起来完整”，但在材料上，尽量保留可以被理解、被移除的可能。
In reality, if I followed tratteggio strictly, many works might not even have a chance to be accepted. So I began to find a middle ground. In some places, I hold back; in others, I step forward. I make it "look complete," while ensuring the materials remain understandable and removable as much as possible.
这不是最理想的状态。但这是我现在能站的位置。我没有放弃那些理论。只是没有办法完全照着走。有时候我会想，也许有一天，这里的环境、认知、条件，会慢慢走到那个更接近理想的地方。也许那一天，修复过的地方，可以被安心地看见。而不需要被隐藏。
This isn't the ideal state, but it's where I can stand now. I haven't abandoned the theories; I just can't follow them to the letter. Sometimes I think that perhaps one day, the environment and awareness here will evolve towards that ideal. Perhaps then, restorations can be seen with peace of mind, without the need for concealment.
但现在，我还是站在这里。一边记得我在博物馆里看到的那些笔触，一边面对眼前这幅需要被“看起来完整”的画。然后，在两者之间，慢慢地做选择。有时候，收一点。有时候，退一点。让它活下去。就已经很不容易了。
But for now, I remain here. Remembering those brushstrokes I saw in the museum, while facing the painting before me that needs to "look complete." Between the two, I make my choices slowly. Sometimes holding back, sometimes moving forward. Just letting it live on is already an achievement.
“也许——理想，还在遥远的未来。”